


Living Is Easy With Eyes Closed

by TonySnark (Sherlocked729)



Category: Across the Universe (2007)
Genre: Angst, Angsty Gay Men, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Friendship/Love, It's also 1973, Just for a frame of reference, M/M, Multi, PTSD, Paranoia, Polyamory, Suicide Attempt, They're basically living in a commune
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-10-20 17:49:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10667709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sherlocked729/pseuds/TonySnark
Summary: It's not easy coming back from a war. Max knows this from first hand experience. He must try to get a grip on himself while his mind wants him to just give up. He's lucky that there's at least person who will be there for him, no matter what.





	1. Home

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm still working on We Are Not Our Fathers, but I needed to write this as well. Please leave a comment if you like it!

.   .   .

 

“We’ve been through this at least a dozen times, Jojo! We ain’t ever gonna come to an agreement…”

Max lifted his eyes to his closed door as he took a drag off a cigarette, listening to Jojo and Sadie argue about who should sing what part at their next gig. He exhaled through his nose before he laid down on his back and looked over at the far wall.

Jude’s drawings were plastered wherever there was room; Max made sure of that. It made him feel not so alone when he was alone. Jude was still around but he and Lucy seemed to just do their own thing most of the time, only coming back here when they were out of money or when they wanted to see him.

He took another drag just as he heard a soft, almost timid knock at the door and exhaled before he spoke. “Yeah, it’s open…”

 He watched the door open and smirked to himself as Prudence came in, joint between her fingers. She closed the door and just about skipped over to where Max lay on the bed. He moved over to make room for her, as seemed to be their daily routine, and she plopped herself down easily next to him, also laying on her back.

“Seems like the real war’s out there, doesn’t it?” He asked her, chuckling throatily.

She glanced over at him and took his cigarette from between his calloused fingers and exchanged it with the joint before putting it out.

He sighed and took a small toke from it before he handed it back to her.

“Why do you smoke cigarettes? They taste horrible, Max,” she declared before she took a decent toke. She offered it to him again but he shook his hand in rejection.

“I can relax with them too, Pru. They help when I feel nauseous. Pot doesn’t help seem to help me.”

She scrunched up her face in disgust playfully before she set the joint in an ashtray before she rolled over onto her side to face him. “You’d think it would help with your insomnia. It helps me sleep.”

Max chuckled and rolled over to face her, propping his head up with his arm.

“Yeah, well, that’s you. Not all of us can be as lucky.”

She smiled softly and shrugged. “You’re lucky to be still be alive,” she offered. “I don’t know if Jude would have been able to survive what you did.”

He thought about this and fought against taking another cigarette out. “I didn’t think I’d make it, though. Jude’s stronger than me. I think after basic training, he’d be able to make it through it too. You don’t give him enough credit, Pru.”

She smiled thoughtfully and then nodded. After a bit, her smile faded and she searched his eyes that had dark circles under them. “Why do you still have them, Max? The war is over. You should take them off.”

It took him awhile to think of what she meant.

His dog tags. He hadn’t taken them off since he came back home from the Walter Reed Army Hospital. They felt like they were just a part of him that he simply forgot he was wearing them half the time. Like the tags had somehow welded with his own flesh and became part of his body.

He was still smirking at her but the playfulness stopped reaching his eyes now. He sighed tiredly and shook his head. “The war isn’t over, Prudence. I’m still living through it… in here,” he said, tapping his temple.

She looked at Max with pity in her eyes and looked like she wanted to argue but instead, she wrapped her arms around Max’s neck and hugged him. He wrapped his arms around her too, breathing her in.

This was a familiar routine between the two of them since he had come back from Vietnam. She would see the sadness that lay behind his eyes and she would hug him, and he would return the hug. It never went further than that, though. It just felt good to hug people.

He would much prefer to hug Jude but Max would take whoever he could get. The feeling was still nice, whoever it was. He hated seeing the pity in their eyes every time but he made a point to ignore it eventually and just embrace the person.

“Love you, Max.”

He took a deep breath and relaxed against her. “Love you more, Pru.”

Just then, there was a gentle rap at the door but the two of them didn’t move. Max glanced over and saw Sadie smiling apologetically.

“Sorry, kids. Don’t mean to break up this moment but supper’s on the table if you’re hungry.” She winked at Max before walking out of his room.

“Are you going to come eat with us this time?” Prudence asked softly.

It was rare when Max decided to eat with everyone who was home at the time at the table, either lying in bed feeling nauseous, or feeling too freaked out from the nightmares. He ran his fingers through Prudence’s dark hair and planted a gentle kiss to her forehead.

“I suppose I can make an appearance,” he chuckled, the playfulness reaching his eyes once again as he untangled their arms from each other and stood up before helping her up as well.

She smiled brightly and then ran out the room and down the hall towards their communal kitchen. Max smiled to himself, hearing her excited voice telling other people about his arrival. When he walked in and opened the fridge to grab a beer before he sat down, he was greeted with friendly smiles all around.

“Good to see you out of that room, man,” Jojo nodded as he sat down across from him, raising his own bottle of beer to the vet.

Max tipped his own bottle and nodded in thanks before he took a sip.

“So glad to see that you’re feeling better to grace us with your presence, Maxwell,” Sadie chuckled as she grabbed his plate and scooped some lasagna onto his plate before setting it back down in front of him.

Max looked at the pile of delicious smelling food and nodded gratefully at her. “I appreciate you feeding me, Sexy Sadie.”

Jojo chuckled and shook his head as he started to delve into his own food.

Prudence dished up her own plate and sat down on Max’s one side, leaving an empty seat beside him as Sadie sat down between Prudence and Jojo.

“If I didn’t feed you, you’d turn into a skeleton. At this point, I’m starting to even question if you can bake at all,” she laughed teasingly.

Max also laughed as he poked at his food, his nausea still present. “I’ll be honest, my mother was the one who could bake, but I can make mean peanut butter cookies if given the chance.”

“That would be a nice treat. You’re welcome to use the kitchen whenever you feel like making them for us, Max.”

He nodded appreciatively and looked back at his food, swallowing hard, conflict in his eyes. He cleared his throat and excused himself before he hurried towards the bathroom and closed the door.

No sooner had he made it inside did he fall in front of the porcelain and start to empty his already empty stomach. Things had been this way since he came home; there was no medical reason for him to feel nauseous like this. It was the places his mind went, though.

Without even trying, he would start thinking about all the people he killed back in Vietnam, the enemy as well as the innocent ones he had been ordered to open fire on. He had secretly cried for days after killing the innocent ones, thought about going AWOL at least a few hundred dozen times while he was there, but then thought about Lucy and Jude and the rest of his friends back home, and figured he didn’t want to end up in jail.

He wretched again but bile just came up. He spit into the toilet and flushed before he walked over to the sink and splashed water on his face.

The door suddenly opened and he was surprised to see Jude standing in the doorway. He straightened up and forced him into a hug. He only relaxed when Jude hugged him back with just as much ferocity.

“Jude Feeny, as I live and breathe. Nice of you to come back, man.” Max gave him a gentle pat on the shoulder before he forced himself to back off of him.

The Englishman chuckled and leaned against the doorway, his eyes full of concern. “Still nauseous, then?”

Max sighed, nodding. “It’s all right. It’s just all in my head. There’s no cure for crazy, as they say.”

Jude’s eyes still held sympathy as well as a touch of sadness. It was his turn now to pull Max into another hug but this one lingered longer, and it seemed to mean more than just feeling good to see him again. It was _deeper._

“Lucy with you?” Max murmured into his shoulder, breathing in Jude’s scent of cigarette smoke, the salty sea, charcoal, and musk.

The other man gently caressed the base of Max’s neck. “She’s back home with your mum. She said she wasn’t ready to come back here yet, but she will soon.”

Max swallowed hard. He knew that that was because of him. Lucy had stayed here with him after he came back and she basically took care of him in his worst of weeks. It was hard for him to fall back into normal civilian life. He woke up in the middle of the night and early morning with nightmares, his paranoia was at an all-time high, and his first days back, he was nearly dangerous to be around.

He had almost hurt his own sister one late night, his brain having made him believe she was the enemy trying to sneak up on him and take him out. Max had to talk him down of releasing her and when he finally did, she was crying and looked at him with horrified eyes.

_Who was this monster?_

“I’m starving. Do you want to sit next to me and talk while I eat some of Sadie’s amazing lasagna?”

Max was grateful for the way his friend had worded that. No judgement, no trying to force him to eat anything. He nodded and took a deep breath before Jude let go of him and then wrapped an arm around his shoulders before leading him back out to the kitchen.

Jude was finally back home and all was right with the world.


	2. Going Out

**.   .   .**

Max sat in his chair but faced Jude and enthusiastically waved his arms in the air at the points he wanted to emphasize as he talked to his friend and told him about things he had missed, concerts Max had gone to with the others, etc. The brit smiled and laughed with Max but he could see that he wasn’t doing as good as he was pretending to.

There were still demons hiding within him, and Max was just trucking along like everything was hunky dory, and Jude knew all too well what was bound to happen eventually. It had happened before and it was going to happen again; it was only a matter of time if Max continued to bottle everything up inside.

“Max, c’mon, baby. You have to eat somethin’ once in a while or you’re just going to keep wastin’ away,” Sadie urged, pushing some lasagna near him as they all sat around the table and either were finishing up their food or had gotten some tea or coffee and were just sitting around talking.

Maxwell playfully waved her away but was chuckling.

“You’re not my mom, Sadie, no matter how much you act like it! I’m not hungry!”

Jude smiled and chuckled but was grateful for Sadie’s mothering. He couldn’t say that he was comfortable with Max’s actual parents’ way of parenting.

“Come on, Sadie. Let the man be now,” Jojo spoke in a relaxed, but urging tone to his significant other.

She put her hands up in surrender before she stood up and started to collect the empty plates from each setting on the table. “All right, all right. Just didn’t think it would hurt to try. You want to waste away, that’s your business, Maxwell…”

Max sighed and smirked, looking up at her. “I’m not going to waste away! I eat, I just eat when everyone’s asleep or out.”

“Oh, that reminds me,” Jude cut in, glad to change the subject. “Sadie’s show is tonight. Are you going to go with us?”

Max took out a cigarette and lit it before he took a drag. “Doesn’t seem like I have much of a choice.”

Sadie waved the smoke away and gently took the cigarette out from between Max’s lips and put it out in the ashtray. “It’s not. You’re coming. I want you to be there! Jojo wants you to be there too…”

“You can leave me out of this one, Sadie…” Jojo shook his head, putting his hands up.

Max smirked to himself but he really just wanted to be home alone. He glanced over at Max who seemed to be watching him calculatingly to gauge his reaction. He glanced over at Prudence who was sipping her tea quietly and he smiled before he leaned over and started to tickle the backs of her knees, which made her squirm.

“Max!” Sadie exclaimed, taking the cup of tea from Prudence’s hands as she squirmed just before it could spill out over the sides.

Max chuckled before he stopped tickling her and he looked at her. “Are you coming to this shindig, Pru?”

She smiled and took back her tea from Sadie before she nodded.

“Of course I am. I’ve gone to all her shows,” she seemed to see Max’s reluctance and she gave him a soft smile. “You should come with us, Max. It’ll be good for you to get out of the place for a while.”

Max started to sip the tea that Sadie had sneakily placed in front of him. He sighed again and ran a hand through his hair; he found it difficult to say no to Prudence. “All right, I guess I’ll go.”

“Good boy,” Sadie smiled before she leaned over and gently placed her hands on either side of his head as she kissed his hair. “It wouldn’t be the same without you there, Maxwell.”

He rolled his eyes but smirked at the compliment. She always knew how to make him feel loved. Hell, Max considered her a better mother figure than his own mother, and she basically mothered over him, Jude, Prudence and even Lucy when she stayed there.

“I’ve got to go get ready. Come on, Jojo…” Sadie grabbed his hand and practically dragged him into her part of the apartment.

When the three of them were finally alone, Jude reached out and touched Max’s hand with his own. “Hey, are you all right, Max?”

Max looked up at him after sipping more of the tea and took his hand into his own. “I’m fine, Jude. I just… wanted to be antisocial. I wish Lucy was going to be there. Haven’t seen her in a while. It would’ve been nice to see her again.”

“Maybe she’ll surprise you and be there?” Pru suggested hopefully, trying to cheer Max up.

Jude gave a sideways smile to Prudence but he shook his head. “I don’t think so, Prudence. She said that she would be here next week, though for Sadie and Jojo’s next show.”

“How’s she doing, Jude? You saw her last…”

Jude’s smirk disappeared a bit and Max noticed him looking over at Prudence apprehensively. He knew that look. It meant that Lucy still wasn’t ready to see her brother since their last experience together. He couldn’t blame her; if it had been Jude that came back as fucked up as he had, he’d be wondering who the hell this person was that had tried to kill him. He could see Lucy’s point, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

“She’s doing better, mate. You just need to focus on you. You’ve been cooped up in here all week. Coming out tonight will be good for you,” he encouraged.

“Yeah, yeah. You don’t need to twist my arm, Jude. I already said I’d come out. I need to take a shower first though. I smell rank.”

“I should go get changed,” Prudence smiled as she grabbed her tea and hurried to her small room.

Jude followed Max to his room and shut the door behind them. “Hey, mind if I share the shower with you? It’ll be quicker.”

Max chuckled now. “It’ll actually be longer but I know what you’re trying to do.”

“Me?” Jude feigned a hurt look. “I’m not trying to do anything. I just want to hop in the shower with my best friend. Since when is that a crime?”

Max tensed up a little. “If it’s not a crime, I know for a fact that it’s considered a mental disorder that you can be locked up for, especially when I know it’s more than just ‘saving time’ to go to a show,” he half-teased.

Jude shrugged out of his shirt and pants and turned the shower on once Max had done the same, eying the other man’s body admiringly. It was full of scars and shrapnel wounds, but he still found his skin beautiful. They were quiet as they entered the shower together and closed the curtain.

They weren’t afraid of what Prudence and Sadie or Jojo would think but somehow it just felt safer if the curtains were closed and the doors were locked. It kept out everyone else who would be against their relationship. Max had seen what had happened to people like them; he had witnessed police beat two men on the street just for holding hands and saw other people come and take them away, to only god knows where. Probably a mental hospital, which just didn’t make sense to Max. How could love be a mental _illness_?

Max took the soap first and lathered himself up before he lathered up Jude’s back, at the same time also gently caressing the young man’s skin. “Hey, Jude?”

“Hmm?” Jude asked as he lathered up his own shoulders and chest.

Max was quiet for a bit before he finally spoke again, his mind going to another place. “Is my sister scared of me?”

Jude looked over at Max. “She just doesn’t understand what’s going on with you, that’s all.”

“That’s all,” Max scoffed. “That’s all? Like ‘oh, Max, it’s no big deal. You’re having nightmares and hearing voices and seeing things? No big deal. That’s all.’”

Jude’s heart sank and chewed on his bottom lip. “You’re seeing things? What are you seeing, mate?”

Max cursed himself for letting it slip out but he shook his head before he started to wash his hair with the same soap. “Nothing. Don’t worry about it, man. It’s nothing.”

Jude wouldn’t get off the subject that easily though. He knew the part about Max hearing things but the seeing things was a new symptom. “If you’re seeing things, you should let us know. We can help you.”

“No one can help me, Jude.”

Max gently grabbed his arm to stop him from going under the water and forced Max to face him. “I’m serious, Max. We can help you…”

“Oh yeah? How?”

“We can tell you what’s real, and what isn’t, if you tell us what you’re seeing. What kinds of things do you see, though?” Jude asked worriedly.

Max took this in and sighed as Jude let go of his arm. He went under the water to rinse. “I see figures sneaking up on me, in the mirrors sometimes. I don’t know. They’re just… hallucinations. Nightmares. They seem so real sometimes though.”

Jude nodded, listening to him. He swallowed hard and placed his hand on his friend’s chest gently. “I’m glad you told me, Max. You know I don’t like it when you bottle things up with me. You know what can happen.”

“I know, Jude. I just… let’s stop talking about this, okay? I just want to enjoy the gig tonight and not worry about anything or anyone, so can we just… drop it, please?”

Jude felt reluctant but he nodded, not wanting Max to push him away. “Sure. Let me under the water so I can finish up and then we can get dressed and head out.”

Max moved away so Jude could have the water to rinse off. He felt a bit better now that the layer of grime on his skin was gone. He felt lighter. Not great, but it was a start at least.

As Jude turned around to rinse off his chest, Max moved in closer and gently kissed Jude’s wet shoulder before he gently wrapped an arm around his waist to hold him gently against Max’s chest.

He felt the man wrap his arm around and place his hand on Max’s head affectionately.  “I’ll sleep in your room tonight, if you want.”

“I’d like that, man. I’d like that a lot.”

“Great, come on, Max. Let’s get ready.”

Max and Jude both got out of the shower, quickly got changed, and then followed Jojo, Sadie, and Prudence out to the street and grabbed a taxi. It wasn’t even 7:30 and Max already felt himself sinking. Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea after all…


End file.
